【Journey 05】What is life expectancy? – I’m scared, I can’t accept the reality.

Hello, I’m Chico.

In the previous article, I talked about the process from being diagnosed with cancer to visiting the hospital of my choice.

I visited the hospital with such expectations…

The diagnosis resulted in “inoperable” and “life-long anticancer treatment”.

This time, I would like to talk about the conflicting feelings I had under those severe circumstances, the words of my sister, “It can’t be helped, because it’s your life expectancy” – and what I felt and learned through them.

The road to treatment that I ran with all my might – and then, after a breather, I became anxious

From cancer diagnosis to finding the hospital, the days were crazy

From the time I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer to the time I started my first anti-cancer drug treatment, I was completely absorbed in my life for about a month.

I didn’t really know what pancreatic cancer was, so I researched the disease and desperately searched for a hospital to treat it…

Also, before starting anticancer treatment, various tests were also performed.

One of them is the “endoscopic ultrasonographic fine-needle aspiration method (EUS-FNA)” for definitive diagnosis.

In my case, the first test did not pick up any cancer cells.
Therefore, after going through a total of three tests, once at a university hospital and twice at a cancer hospital, we finally succeeded in collecting cancer cells.

Like this, the days I ran at full speed until the first treatment was decided. And finally, I reached the first treatment, and it seemed as if I had taken a breather.

I’m scared, I can’t accept the reality

However, when I slowed down my running speed and had time to think even a little, I become scared.

It’s not like I was overwhelmed by the fact that I would be on anticancer drugs for the rest of my life,
I was just always having a vague sense of anxiety.

Even when I was watching my favorite comedy with my family or a relaxing movie, my heart was not in the right place.
I felt like I was wrapped in a black cloud called “anxiety” deep in my heart.

It can’t be helped because it’s life expectancy

In this way, even if I smile on my face and interact with everyone, deep inside I’m trembling.

My sister must have figured it out.

She said to me, “It can’t be helped because it’s your life expectancy.”

・・・・・・・

I quickly replied with a smile. And I tried to think so myself.

But at the time I was, my heart was

screaming like this in my heart.

I ran away from thinking about it

I’m scared…

As my anxiety grew, my brain finally ran away from thinking.

I felt dazed, as if all my senses were numb…

Perhaps my brain put me in such a state as a means of protecting itself.

However, I have to go to the hospital frequently, and when I spend time there, I am inevitably drawn back to thinking about my illness.

I’ ll try to join a patient group

At such time, I found information about pancreatic cancer classes being held at my hospital and decided to participate.

Various support for cancer patients

There are other places to support cancer patients as well as hospitals.

Here are some of them for your reference.

I joined my hospital’s patient group

Just when I was looking for an organization to support cancer patients

I learned that my hospital had a pancreatic cancer patient class and patient group, so I immediately signed up.

First, I attended a “classroom” where I could learn about pancreatic cancer, followed by a “patient meeting” where patients and their families could talk directly with each other.

In the “classroom,” there were presentations (treatment information from doctors, lifestyle advice from nurses, and dietary tips from nutritionists), followed by a Q&A session.

Also we could get information that might be difficult to obtain from ordinary consultations and answers to questions that are usually difficult to hear.

It was a very meaningful time for me.

I’m not the only one suffering

It was great to have the opportunity to talk directly with cancer patients with the same disease at the patient group.

Until I met to them, I had the impression that “pancreatic cancer is just scary” from information on the Internet.

However, when I actually talked to them, I could see the faces of each person who were in different situations and standpoints beyond the disease of pancreatic cancer.

Even as they endured the shock of being diagnosed with cancer and the pain of illness and treatment, they struggled to find hope and joy.

I interacted with friends who had the same problem, and they taught me that “we are not alone.”

I remember that this experience was very supportive at that time.

I met a nurse who gave me the opportunity to become strong

The good thing about attending the patients’ group was not only the chance to meet other people with the same disease.

A conversation with a nurse I met there triggered me to take a big step in my personal growth.

I will talk about it in the next article below.

Lessons learned during this period – Memento Mori

My sister, who saw through me, laughing in my face but trembling in the back of my mind, let loose

“It’s your life expectancy.”

When I first heard this, I was filled with an indescribable sadness.

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But later I would be grateful to my sister for telling me that it was my life expectancy.

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When this word “life expectancy” became clear to me, I was reminded of the phrase “Memento Mori”.

memento mori

※ Latin Proverb “Think of death” and “Remember death”

“Think of death”… Everyone will die someday. That is what we call “life expectancy”.

But we usually forget about it.

Of course, it is not necessary to think about it all the time.

But I learned that we can “live” more strongly if we have an awareness of “death” somewhere in our mind, which we all face someday.

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By thinking of death, “life” shines.

By thinking about death, we can enjoy “this moment now”.

By thinking about death, we can be “prepared” and live strong and tough.

Conclusion

This time, I talked about my emotions as I faced the reality that I was diagnosed with cancer and had only life-prolonging treatment left.

When I participated in a patient meeting, I met a nurse who influenced my future thinking.

I will continue to talk about it in the article below.